I’ve never been a huge reality TV fan, or dating reality TV fan. When I do decide to check one out though, I tend to get pretty invested, and that’s exactly what happened with Netflix’s The Boyfriend. Japan’s first ever same-sex dating show, it follows a group of gay and bisexual men living under one roof while running a coffee truck together. 

Compared to other dating shows I’ve seen, this one feels a lot less produced, and comes across as very wholesome. There isn’t an end goal of marriage like Love Is Blind, and couples aren’t formed and broken up throughout the show like in Perfect Match. Instead, the participants arrive at the house, explore their relationships naturally, and take turns working shifts at the coffee truck. 

The coffee truck probably creates the most “drama” as whoever is selected must choose a partner for their shift. Sometimes participants can choose if they want to work with whoever is on duty that day. Other days the coffee truck is closed, and there might be the opportunity to go on dates, or have a group outing together. 

Overall, it’s a pretty tame structure for a dating show. Most of the time the group is simply hanging out at the house, getting to know each other, eating meals, and going about their day. Compared to other, more extreme dating shows, it could almost be seen as boring. Perhaps this is where a more unusual (at least to me) aspect comes into play, the panel. 

After snippets of the show, it cuts to a panel of 5 people who react and give their commentary on the events unfolding. The panel consists of 3 women and 2 men, a combination of actors, tv personalities, comedians, and a drag queen. This was the aspect of the show I typically felt the most friction with. In western dating shows there are typically only 1 or 2 hosts who make brief appearances at critical moments to introduce or explain the show. 

Having this constant color commentary from a group of mostly heterosexual people discussing queer relationships felt a little strange. It was always in good faith, and there were some funny moments, but it always left an odd taste in my mouth. As an example, there was a moment between two contestants where while one was scrolling through the other’s phone, they came across some naked photos. 

While most of the panel’s remarks were fairly innocuous, it was up to the one queer person to provide important context. Nude photos are exceedingly commonplace on many gay dating apps and while not a requirement, they’re often requested from a potential partner. It almost comes across as a tokenization of queer people even when the show itself is about queer people. 

The only non-straight panel member is required to provide insight on the differences of the queer community for the benefit of heterosexual commentators. While many aspects of love and romance are universal, the context and culture is often different, and that’s very true for queer relationships. 

That’s especially true given that this is both Japan’s first same-sex dating show, and Japan currently does not recognize same sex marriage. While marriage equality, adoption, and society at large are briefly touched on, it’s quickly smoothed over or resolved with some hopeful words. While this show existing at all is likely a great sign of progress for LGBTQ representation and social movement in Japan, I can’t help but feel it could have gone further. 

The wholesome nature of the show, and the panel of non-queer commentators gives this show a bit of a sanitized feel. A lot of nuances of the difficulties of being queer, issues of social acceptance, and the more “extreme” aspects of queer culture are largely absent. Anything that could be considered a “rough edge” feels sanded away. In a lot of ways, this doesn’t feel representative to my experience as a queer person. 

Of course, the elephant in the room is that I’m not Japanese. I didn’t grow up here, I haven’t tried to date Japanese men, and there’s probably a lot of cultural context I’m lacking. I hope that a lot of people are able to feel seen through this show, and I think the good that it’ll do far outweighs any of its potential misses. 

One of the participants had yet to come out to his family. Through developing his relationship with the other people in the house, he was able to discuss some of the difficulties that come with being queer, and having to come out to your family. Coming out anywhere is difficult, and I can only imagine how much more difficult it is coming out in a country with more conservative values, and one where your right to marriage isn’t granted. 

I’m lucky to have grown up in Canada, where gay marriage was legalized in 2005, before I had even learned what being queer was. By the time I was in high school I saw the fight for gay marriage intensify in America, before being legalized everywhere in 2015. Out of 195 countries, only 36 have legalized gay marriage. 

 Only around 17% of the global population have the right to have their marriage recognized. It can be easy to think that in 2024 queer people have gained their place in society, but there is still a lot of work to be done. The Boyfriend is likely a great step forward for queer visibility in Japan, but I can’t help but think the group represented is the group that needed it the least. 

Gay men have typically enjoyed both greater representation, and less discrimination than others in the LGBTQ community. Trans people face the greatest threats of violence, and are currently facing a greater risk due to an increase in anti-trans legislation. Yet, trans people, or other queer people more broadly aren’t discussed within the contexts of The Boyfriend. 

I know representation has to start somewhere, and a group of 9 conventionally attractive gay and bisexual men is the safest bet. But at the same time it makes me angry. The queer community is more than what is deemed “acceptable” to audiences. By our very nature we question the status quo, and that often puts us into conflict with those who find our “lifestyle” uncomfortable. 

The Boyfriend had a herculean task of being Japan’s first same-sex reality dating show, and they did a good job. This isn’t a but, it’s an and. The Boyfriend did a good job, and there is still so much more work to be done. It can feel exhausting at times as a queer person, to constantly have to defend your very right to exist. But we do. Our fight isn’t over yet. 

There was never a world in which The Boyfriend could solve every societal problem while simultaneously being a fun light reality dating show. It deserves its flowers, and while it’s not perfect, I hope that it opens the door to more media that showcases and explores the experiences of LGBTQ people in Japan.