The Art Of Killing Time
Free time, it’s something we often feel we never have enough of. We think of all the things we want to do when we get a chance. Yet sometimes, that time comes around and I’ve got not a single clue about how to fill it.
I’ve mentioned before that I often have a fair bit of downtime at school, which I often use for writing or editing. If I’m all caught up, or ahead, on my lesson prep, that’s usually what I gravitate towards. It requires enough attention to stay alert, makes me look busy, but is still fun enough that it doesn’t quite feel like work.
Though sometimes, I get sick of reading my own writing. That’s when things start to get tricky. I try to study Japanese some, but I can’t usually concentrate on studying in the same way I do with writing. After about 20 minutes of studying on my own my eyes start to glaze over and I can feel my attention start to drift.
I can surf the web for a bit, but I try not to get too carried away with that. Reading articles might look at least work adjacent, ending up on amazon doing some shopping though? Not so much. Online shopping is a far too easy way to spend a lot of time doing stuff clearly not work related, and isn’t exactly easy on my wallet.
I’m still trying to come up with new and novel ways to kill time at my desk, but for the most part writing has been great in that department. Most days I’m happy to plink away at my keyboard and write about anything that’s been on my mind lately. Often, there’s quite a bit swirling around in my mind because of this very topic, free time.
For the first time in my life, I live totally on my own. I lived with parents, then a partner, then roommates, but never on my own. It’s a different feeling coming back to a space that’s completely your own. Things are exactly where you left them, for better, and for worse. If I left dishes in the sink, they’ll still be there, taunting me for not taking care of them.
The one thing I never really considered about a space all your own, is how quiet it is. My neighbors are pretty quiet, and other than a little bit of street traffic, my apartment is remarkably still. I often fill the silence with podcasts, youtube videos, anime, or video games. Yet even still, it’s the absence of other people that makes it feel lonely.
I like having my own space and down time, I’m still fairly introverted, even if I’m more social than my younger years. But I liked having people around who didn’t drain any energy. It’s less so that I wanted to be on my own, more that I wanted my own space to unwind with people I felt comfortable around.
Coming home to any empty house, with no real plans after my work day has taken some getting used to. My evenings during the work week back home were usually pretty chill, mostly spent playing video games or watching TV. Even if I didn’t go seeking people out, there were still people in my house to chat with though. Either over dinner, or small talk with roommates as we went about our lives.
Now, when I leave school I know I probably won’t be having many conversations until work the next day. Often I end up talking to myself as I go about my solitary evenings, or sing in the shower just to remind myself my voice still works.
I knew I would feel somewhat isolated here in Japan, I’m new to this country, this city, these communities. I suppose I’m just surprised that the way that manifested was being bored in my house.
I have lots of time, and silence, that leaves me alone with my thoughts. I think about my life here, my friends and family back home, and wonder if I’m taking full advantage of the opportunities I have. I go down the well worn rabbit holes of thinking about joining a club at school, finding ways to get involved in the community, or further pursue any language classes.
I could try and channel this nervous energy into chores around the house, or try to do some yoga to calm my mind and center myself. Unfortunately, this often ends with my scrolling social media, looking at the day friends had back home. While my evening is young, most of my friends and family back home are curled up in bed resting for the day ahead.
Executive function has never been my strong suit. Often I either impulsively know what I want to do, and am already doing it when I have the chance. Or, I’m sitting around thinking of all the things I could or should be doing, and end up switching between 3 or 4 apps on my phone doing none of those things.
This is part of why games became such a point of fixation for me. When a new game comes out, it occupies such a big part of my brain, and becomes something I can think about endlessly. I’ll wonder what possibilities it may hold in the early hours. Then reflect on the design and creation of the game as it becomes more familiar to me. Finally I might learn the inner workings of the game, and try to break or exploit its various systems.
Once I begin to lose steam though, I fall back into similar patterns of feeling listless. When I have something that holds my interest, everything revolves around it. I have to go to work to afford whatever game I just bought, eat so I’m in a good mood when I play, do chores so I have more time to play, etc. Without some big fixation to tether me, sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around day to day, without anything bigger to hold me down.
If I didn’t have a game, I often relied on people or structure to hold me in place. Here in Japan, I’m so far removed from the people I used to rely on. I’ve tried to create a bit of a structure to keep me going, and it’s working alright. I eat out maybe 3 times a week, and cook or have leftovers for the other days. I go to 7-11 before I go to bed to buy lunch and coffee for the next day. Try to workout every other day, either with yoga or a body weight workout.
These patterns keep me moving, even when I don’t want to. Unfortunately, I’ve never been good about forcing myself to keep patterns when it comes to chores like cleaning or doing the dishes. Those tend to get done when I have a little extra energy, or am particularly motivated. Or, more likely, they get done when I’m left with no other choice. The sink is full of dishes, or my space is starting to reach unacceptable levels of cleanliness.
Living on your own sure doesn’t help your bad habits either, there’s no one to push you to do the things you’ve been putting off. People aren’t always great at intrinsic motivation, so a kick in the butt from someone else can help you finally do those things you’d really rather not.
I’m still working to find the best balance for my free time. Being able to relax, but still get everything done that I need to. Giving myself some grace for being a little lazy, but not so much that I fall into bad habits that are unsustainable.
Like most of my life, it’s all trial and error. Trying to find what makes for a good week, and what doesn’t. When can I cut myself some slack to relax and maybe be a little lazy, and when do I need to be firm with myself and do things I don’t want to, but will be better for in the long run?
This push and pull will likely be an ongoing debate, probably with an answer that changes even week to week. I miss the people who kept me motivated, or helped me blow off some steam. In their absence, I’m grateful for the small patterns I’ve established, as they keep me sane in the meantime.
The art of killing time is just that, an art. There’s no one size fits all solution, and it takes endless practice. Towing that line between becoming consumed by a new fascination, and railing against a lack of purpose will be an ongoing discovery. Finding ways to use my free time in a brand new environment has been quite the challenge, but certainly an experience that will help me grow.
How do you like to kill time? What have you found works for you in terms of balancing relaxing ways of killing time vs productive ones? Maybe you have some words of wisdom to share, or maybe you have the same struggles I do. Let me know in the comments, maybe we can all kill some time together.
These restless feelings I’m grappling with are probably just part of any major life change. I left so much behind back home, it seems only natural that I’ve been feeling their absence. I’ll have to find new ways to kill time here in Japan, while also being able to sit in those uncomfortable feelings.
Keeping myself busy 24/7 won’t solve those tough feelings, just push them further away. Letting them fester without acknowledging, and working through them, is only going to make me feel worse in the long run. So while it may be tough, and even a little boring, I’ll continue to practice the art of killing time, while still staying with that discomfort I always want to run from.
