In just over a month, I’ll be back home for Christmas! I was a little nervous about going back home, I was just there in September after all. After thinking it over, I decided I didn’t want to miss another Christmas with my family and friends. 

I’m certainly glad that I decided to go back home for Christmas, because I’ve been needing something to look forward to. After Halloween, right around my 1 year anniversary of being in Japan, I started to feel a little lost. 

It’s a bit of a confluence of things, including missing home, feeling a little dissatisfied with work, less excited about living in Japan, and maybe a dash of seasonal depression setting in. I’ve struggled with all these things off and on, but when they all start piling up one after another, it can feel pretty heavy. 

I started missing home pretty quickly once I arrived in Japan, I was honestly rather surprised by it. A lot of homesickness articles say it can set in around 3 months or so, but I was feeling it within weeks. I usually try to take it as a reminder of how much I love home and the people there, but that doesn’t always make it easier. 

I try to stay in touch with some people back home, with texts or the odd video call. Each call is always great, and the time flies by, but all too soon the people back home have to go to bed, and I still have half a day to fill on my own. I haven’t kept in touch with a lot of people from back home, and in some ways I wonder if I did that to make it a little easier to be away for so long.

Work satisfaction is a little trickier, considering this job is part of a larger program, and I’m in an environment where I don’t speak the language. I've never felt like a very active participant in my job. I’m given a class schedule, don’t follow any larger curriculum, and usually just give a variety of lessons, either my own or helping another teacher with their lesson plans. 

On days when I get to have more classes, and feel like I get some freedom in the classroom alongside teachers I enjoy working with, I have a great time. I get a lot of energy from the students, enjoy teaching, and hopefully the other teachers enjoy working with me as well. Unfortunately, that’s not always the norm. 

Currently, it’s exam periods again, which means I’m spending entire days with no real tasks, and 8 hours to kill in front of my computer. I’ve lamented this predicament arguably too much, and I know there are plenty of productive people who would kill for 8 hours of free time to spend as they please. I am simply not one of those people. 

Both of those things have been present in some form since I’ve arrived in Japan, but my initial excitement for living here was able to assuage both of them. They felt small in comparison to the joy I felt at achieving my dream of living here, but slowly and surely, that magic fades. 

I’ve gotten to explore and experience more of Japan than I’ve ever dreamed, and I still want to have more good experiences before I leave, but just not as badly as I once did. I’m no longer dying to spend every free moment seeing new things, I’ve found some familiar things I like, and lately I’ve been sticking to them. 

Tokyo is the largest city in the world, and I’ve only seen a fraction of it, yet I either don’t know what to see, or I just don’t want to see it badly enough, at least not on my own. I imagine this happens to almost everyone when they move somewhere new, but I either need to rekindle that enthusiasm or find something to replace it. 

I’ve bemoaned my worries enough, but all that is to say, if I was spending another Christmas alone here in Japan, it would almost certainly be a blue Christmas. Instead, I get to spend time at home with my family, my cat, and my friends. 

I used to think I never really cared for Christmas, but being away from all the Christmas traditions, the decorations, even the music, for just one year made me miss it tremendously. When I get back home, I hope I’ll embrace Christmas in all its cheesiness, maybe I’ll even watch a bad Hallmark movie with my mom. 

I’ll be staying until a few weeks after the New Year, and while last year I used my New Year’s break to travel in Japan, spending at home just feels right. I’ll still have around 7 months by the time I get back to explore Japan, and almost two weeks of vacation to use at my discretion. 

Maybe being home for the holidays will help me recharge, surrounded by my loved ones. I’ll get a taste of being home, and know that I’ll be back before long. So I should make the most of the time I have left in Japan so next time I see everyone I’ll have cool new stories to share about all the things I’ve done and the places I’ve seen. 

Christmas Eve will find me where the lovelight gleams. I'll be home for Christmas and not only in my dreams.