Since coming back to Japan, and slowly crawling my way out of my post-holiday, back-in-Japan funk, I’ve been thinking a lot about comfort. Or more specifically, what we think of as our comfort zone. Lately, I worry my comfort zone seems to be shrinking. 

I get the impression that most people conceptualize their comfort zone as ever expanding. You only ever become more comfortable with things as you get exposed to them. Take driving, you start off having never driven before, and then slowly, become more familiar with it. The more you do it, the more squarely it sits in your comfort zone, and it probably stays that way, right? 

But what happens when circumstances change dramatically? Move to a country that drives on the opposite side of the road, or have an accident? All of a sudden, something has become second nature, is suddenly back outside your comfort zone, and it can be easy to feel like you’re starting from scratch. 

Now, trying something that’s outside of your comfort zone can sometimes be relatively easy, and other times insurmountably difficult. I feel like there are three major factors to determine how far something is outside your comfort zone: confidence, your environment, and motivation. 

If you're brimming with self confidence that you'll be okay (not necessarily that you'll succeed), tasks outside your comfort zone feel more doable. Teaching a new English lesson feels manageable when I'm confident in my abilities, but daunting when I'm not.

The other main factor is your environment. If you’re trying something new, but it’s in a place where you feel safe, it can feel a lot more accessible to you. Maybe you’ve never played a board game before, but you’re playing it at your best friend's house in a low pressure situation, probably pretty doable. If you had to play that same game on stage being watched by other people, all of sudden it’s a much bigger deal. 

The final piece is motivation, how badly do you want to do that thing outside your comfort zone? Strong enough motivation can help overcome both a lack of confidence and an unfamiliar environment. If I’m highly motivated to learn a new skill I’m still willing to power through significant discomfort in order to reach my goal.

So, how does this relate to my life in Japan? Well, I’m sure you’ve all heard the adage “Growth happens outside of your comfort zone.” It’s one that, unfortunately, I must agree with. I wanted to come to Japan for that very reason, to grow as a person and expand my horizons. In the beginning, I lacked both comfort in my new environment, and confidence, but my motivation carried me through. 

As my motivation began to wane, my confidence started to build, and I started to become more familiar with my new environment. I had enough going in each of these areas that I felt like I was really growing. I was having new experiences, going to new places, trying new things, just generally trying my best. I was honestly really proud of myself. 

The past few months, and especially since coming back from my holidays, I’ve felt stagnant at best. At worst, I feel like I’ve been retreating into my comfort zone, and as a result, my comfort zone has shrunk. I went to Tokyo last weekend to go out dancing, something I’ve done many times before, but on the drive over, I felt like I was battling constant anxiety. 

I love to dance, and I was going to my favorite bar. I’d spent the past few weekends hanging around the house. I was somewhat motivated, I wasn’t going to any new environments, but my confidence just felt at an all time low. I hated my hair, I felt weird about my body, I didn’t like my outfit, it just all felt wrong. 

We often love to see growth as something linear, you try something new, or improve yourself in some way, and you just stay that way. That thing stays in your comfort zone, you never make that mistake again, it’s already settled. People don’t really work that way, life isn’t a straight line, as much as we like to pretend that it is. 

When I first got to Japan, I was endlessly self conscious. I felt like I always stood out, I was too tall, my skin and hair a different color, my clothes not fitting the norms, I thought I would never fit in. Honestly, I never really have, but along the way, I got more confidence, and I stopped caring. I had things I wanted to do, I came here to grow, not to fit in afterall. 

Lately, that self consciousness has come back around, and it’s honestly caught me pretty off guard. Especially since I can’t seem to pinpoint why. And of course, when it rains it pours. Sometimes it feels like as soon as one anxiety creeps in, it opens the floodgates for more to rush in behind it. 

It’s frustrating. To feel like all the work you’ve put in feels moot. I can’t seem to muster the confidence or motivation I used to have to push myself outside my comfort zone. My environment, or Japan more broadly, makes me feel like an outsider almost as much as when I arrived. 

Thankfully, I haven’t given up. In some small ways, I did push past those things during my weekend in Tokyo. I did go dancing at my favorite bar, even though I brought my reservations with me. I went to my friend’s school’s open house, where I felt constantly overwhelmed. I sat in front of someone I could hardly understand, by myself, as they hand made a Japanese sweet, Wagashi, that I’d never had before. 

It was small, but it was something, and hopefully, it was growth. Sure, going to my favorite bar in Tokyo should be easy for me, it is my favorite after all, but this time, it was outside my comfort zone, and I still went. 

I think what’s in your comfort zone and what isn’t matters a lot less than what you choose to do with that information. Sometimes, you might not even have a clear idea of what you are and aren’t comfortable with, or maybe that changes often. Regardless, I think you just have to keep going. 

I still want to make the most of my experience in Japan, I want to be proud of myself for doing more new things. Maybe I need to find what makes me feel motivated, or find some ways to build up my confidence, or maybe I just have to take a leap of faith. Not everything outside my comfort zone will pay off, but regardless, every step outside of it is worthwhile.